Breakin’ ya bones! We got breakin’ news!
Disney is pulling out all the stops and honoring the big bald man who served the company for over four decades. That’s right! Imagineers have determined the only way to “pay their respect” to their recently axed CEO, Bob Chapek, is to bestow a tombstone in his name at The Haunted Mansion.
But what did Chapek do to deserve such an honor? We got the inside scoop from this anonymous insider: “we wanted to thank Bob Chapek for his service to Disney… and remind him that he is dead to us.”
Cold-blooded! But, the now-former Disney CEO left a mark on the Theme Parks that many commentators would call cold-blooded, making several profit-focused changes, including raising Park prices. Currently, tickets are so high that DisneyFanatic.com reported that as many as 20% of Disney vacationers would go into debt because of the trip. What an “unfavorable attendance mix”!
Within a week of firing him, the powers that be at Disney started scrubbing Chapek’s name, literally. Not only was he removed from the website, but Chapek’s beloved sign claiming he was a “Master Ship Builder” was removed from Castaway Cay overnight. Luckily, the sign can now be viewed in the Seance Room (to Guests with the eye).
Get the dishy scoop here: Speedy Removal of Chapek Sign
Chapek’s sign, like those found on Main Street, U.S.A., act as a form of opening credits one sees in a movie. Names of past CEOs and Imagineers who have left an indelible mark on places like the Magic Kingdom and Disneyland Park can be seen and admired, from Walt himself to Bob Iger. This is the first time that a former CEO and former Disney Parks Chairman would be remembered in such a grim location. Rumor is that Mr. Chapek himself is the inspiration for the Imagineer’s tombstone design. And while it must be hard to honor someone who loomed so large adequately, Imagineers seem to have found endless inspiration by “putting Bob Chapek first.”
It is clear they were lock-step inside Bob Chapek’s brain when considering the monument. And the result is nothing short of remarkable. The mock-up consists of an upside-down U-shaped stone with a plus sign prominently featured on the end because: “The man dedicated everything to Disney… sorry, I meant dedicated everything to Disney+,” said an anonymous insider who put a significant emphasis on the word plus, spat on the ground, and then disappeared into the ceiling.
Disney seems ready to bury Chapek’s legacy completely, but they cannot just remove Genie+, shut down The Lightning Lane Pass, or put $1.5 Billion in losses back into their pockets. But it appears Imagineers have found one way to ensure there aren’t too many hurt feelings. More design plans have been unearthed, including tombstones for both California’s Disneyland and Florida’s Disney World resorts. These top-secret blueprints also revealed a shocking bit of tomfoolery; they’ll be on sliders, so Cast Members can force the monument to move if we hear Chapek is coming.
The reports also state that the new attraction should not cost much, if anything. It appears it will be made from cheap materials, including some unearthed styrofoam and mud. One Imagineer proposed a paper mache design using the materials leftover from “Bob Paycheck” s unused checkbooks and pink slips stocked in preparation for the impending layoffs.
Costs will allegedly be offset through an extra-cost PhotoPass spot with the tombstone. To purchase one, you must put $50 on a card uploaded to a pass in a system that our anonymous insider said is “hopefully only as confusing as Bob Chapek would’ve done.” The insider also suggested that more enraged Guests might be able to throw something on the tombstone for an additional cost.
Few can brag that they have a tombstone in such a hallowed place. Outside of the Imagineers who built the attraction, it is primarily legendary characters or extinct rides that have been given such an honor. Even Eddie Murphy, the star of the (flop) film The Haunted Mansion, hasn’t been awarded one. Of course, only time will tell if the stars of the reboot will get mansion plots.
The dishy scoop: New Haunted Mansion Movie
Bob Chapek isn’t the first from Disney to get a grave plot on the grounds. In fact, insiders suggest that he will be placed next to Mr. Toad of the extinct “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” also has a tombstone in Walt Disney World. Apparently, those close to Mr. Chapek had to clarify that it was only an honorary tombstone and that neither Mr. Chapek nor the fictional frog would physically lie there upon their death.
There is no set date for the unveiling on the new site, and it should be noted that this remains an unconfirmed report until an official Disney Parks announcement is released. When asked if he would attend the unveiling, Bob Chapek reportedly gave a hearty “yes!” Then wondered, “how much do you think people would pay for that? Like $700? $750? A thousand?!”
The headstones scattered around Disney World’s Haunted Mansion are famous for boasting a few morbid lines of poetry explaining each “resident” s demise. The Imagineering team assigned to the project has yet to release what the tombstone will say. What do you think Bob Chapek’s rhyming epitaph should be?
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. All quotes and reports are completely fictionalized, and, as far as we know, there are no plans to make a tombstone for Bob Chapek.